With you

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Maybe some other day

Just you and I

We will walk away

From these silent cries

Nothing to worry and

Nothing to hide

We’ll build a world of our own

With me by you and

You by my side.

Maybe some other day

Just you and I

We will chase our dreams

Swimming high in sky

Under the stars, over the clouds

We’ll have no wings but yet we’ll fly

Crawling on winds and

On storms, we’ll ride

We’ll build a world of our own

With me by you and

You by my side.

 

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Always . Always ?

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 I kissed him. It was not forced or happened just by chance. I did it because I wanted it. I wanted him to kiss me. I looked in his eyes; they are glowing with sordid lust. He looked at me the way I wanted him to, neither as a lover nor with respect but like a slave, with flaming eyes of a hound loathing for every piece of flesh on my body. I don’t know exactly what I am doing or why I am doing whatever I am doing all I know is that I want this.

I am not like this, I was never like this.

I love to be loved and admired.

Although born in an upper middle class not so typical family, being only daughter and favourite of my father was something that never allowed anything to come between fulfilment of my desires, whether it was a demand of a Barbie doll with silver hairs from little me or demand for a designer dress for my fresher’s party. They all were fulfilled. I always get what I need and right now I want him. I want him all over me.

“Your phone is buzzing,” he said.

Let it be. I don’t want to answer anyone.

“Just check it for once. It can be from someone in your family or might be from our college.”

What is this guy? Why he is insisting on picking a phone call, why he is thinking too much? Nothing can be that much important in my life that it can’t be kept on hold for five more minutes. Isn’t it rude that you stop kissing a girl just to say that you need to pick up your phone or he is indirectly implementing that I am a bad kisser? Whatever, this guy has just now ruined his image in my eyes. If you are cute then stay cute and don’t say anything that depicts your low understanding level and brand you as an idiot in my mind.

My phone started to vibrate again. I looked at him and found him looking at me with an expression of receiving your damn phone. I grabbed it and walked out in balcony slamming the door behind me, ensuring that he understands the reason I did this.

I looked at the screen.

It was flashing Luv calling.

I wasn’t surprised but my heart beats rose. I was numb, standing still. What happens when you are at gunpoint? You know your end is right in front of you and there is least probability of you getting out of this mess unscratched but still, you try. You try to save yourself and sometimes while in order to save yourself you run straight towards the hunter trying to hunt you down and sometimes you manage to surpass the destined end leaving behind list collateral damages to maintain.

I looked around. It was late in the evening and the sun was trying to hide behind the trees increasing darkness on the other side of the valley. I was still staring at my vibrating phone and all I have to do is to slide and I will emerge victorious in this death-defying act of receiving a phone call.

I couldn’t.

Why am I doing this?

It has been more than three years since we are in a relationship. We (means me and Luv and not that cute but not smart, idiot guy waiting for me inside) celebrated our epic love during our school and left everyone else jealous of us. Every single friend of mine was having a crush on him and rest, although never admitted I know they too secretly desired him.

And he was mine.

One text message received.

“I was just checking on you. Was having a strange feeling about you. Call me back when you’re free.

Missing you.

Love you, always.”

The text almost broke me into tears. I can feel warm fluid coming out from my eyes distorting the Kohl.

He loves me.

He is mine. But am I? I love him, but if I love him what am I doing here. Any of my thousands of logics couldn’t satisfy me.

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Sun is finally swallowed by the large stretch of evergreen coniferous deodar trees. Valley is now turned into the sea of stars. It is cold out here yet the absence of wind is making this cold bearable. Should I go back inside or call back or text back to my epic love who is sitting thousands of miles away from me in some seaside college studying some stupid concept of Engineering? I can call him back and say that I am working on some assignment or just studying and he will believe it.

He always believes in whatever I say.

He is perfect.

How can he be so perfect and be in love with me? Is the love that blind? I always feared that after going to college he will change. Some random girl will overthrow me from his heart and this geographical distance between us will create a psychological distance between our hearts.

But it never happened.

He still loves me, more than he used to. He cares for me, respect me and my decisions. He waits for my calls, my texts and makes plans for our vacations together. He has a hectic academic schedule like every other engineering student but I am always top on his priority list. He loves me.

But is love enough?

Are only phonic conversations enough?

I miss him. I miss those initial hesitations of our fingers before he holds my hand. I miss him playing with my hairs, teasing me, mimicking my laugh. I miss hiding in his chest, leaning on his shoulder. I miss him when I stand in front of the mirror, at that moment I need him here telling me how am I looking, but he is somewhere far-far away from me, pondering in the concept of aerodynamics. I miss him almost every second of my life.

I am still holding my phone with his last text opened on-screen. What was I thinking when I agreed to this guy, who does not even bother to check on me sitting just behind a closed-door.

What am I doing?

I am cheating on Luv? Or I am cheating with myself?

There are people in my life who constantly inform me as if it’s their legal duty, that you are changing. Some even confirmed the fact that I have changed a lot. Hell yes, I have changed. I remember everything was fine last year, I was happy and so was everyone around me. We both were in same schools enjoying our romantic life to its extent. We had everything planned although we were not from the same streams we can stay in the same city while studying in different colleges. From the name of our colleges to the society we were going to live was perfectly planned but never ever everything goes as we plan. He got selected for the college he decided but I couldn’t. This was my fault which left him with two choices; either he lives with me here and studies something he is not interested in or joins this college and stay away from me.

He selected option one for me.

But I forced him to take option second.

I forced him to go thousands of miles away from me. Yes, I’ve changed. I haven’t seen him in past eleven months and it’s killing me. His virtual existence around me through social media and phone is not enough for me. I need him with me, always.

When he is not around me, I am afraid of what of what I will become. Hell!! What I was thinking when I kissed this guy. What I was thinking, that once Luv will know that I am screwing around when he is not with me, will make him leave everything and come to me and stay by my side? How stupid I am, what if instead of leaving everything else, he leaves me?

Why on earth this thought never occurred to me when I was planning this. Nidhi, my best friend, warned me about this but I was so determined to have him back here that I was willing to go to any extent, to cross every limit for him. What if my stupid plan of bringing him near to me by making him jealous and insecure drives him away from me? I can’t survive without him. My existence depends upon his presence in my life.

I can feel my heart trying to break my ribcage.

I started typing. – don’t worry. I am okay. Just busy with some college stuff. Will call you in morning. good night. I love you, always – and pressed the send button.

One text message received.

It was from Nidhi – “work done. Delivered your message.”

Before I could respond to the situation my phone vibrated again indicating another message has been received. It is from Luv.

“Received text from Nidhi. I don’t understand what’s going on. Just tell me that everything she told me is lie and make me believe your words because I want to believe them. Rohini do you still love me, like you said, always?”

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read the second chapter of story here Judgement and third here Snowfall .

 

Little World

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Somewhere far

Far away from here

Where your eyes never touch me

Nor my shadow can defile your soul

Where nothing can overshadow you smile

Nor tears can ruin your kohl

Love, you will never

Never have to live in this fear

I will run

As fast as I can

Somewhere far

Far away from here.

Somewhere far

Far away from here

Away from boundaries of cultures and faith

Not within the reasons of good or bad

Where life can breathe

And we could celebrate the love we had

Love, where I can hold you

And keep you close to heart so dear

In a place, we used to dream of

For you and me, together

Somewhere far

Far away from here.

Because you loved me

Your eyes cried the rains

Because you loved me

You were bleeding bounded in chains

To end my breath

Is the only way to end your pain.

So Love, when you get this letter

Do not shed a tear

Because we will meet again

In our own little world

Somewhere far

Far away from here.

What If

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I love to remember

Back those days of December

Wish I could feel that rain

Again.

I hope you remember

When our hearts glowed like amber

And I never felt that way

Again.

But I walked away

Before you could say

It’s love knocking at heart

And you wanted me to stay.

I cannot bring those moments back again

It won’t be same, because it’s not the same

And all these years

I’ve lived with regret

What if I had stayed with you?

What if I never feared the fate?

What if I had never let you down?

What if, now it’s too late?

Now it feels like a dream

To hold you in my arms

And hear you call my name

Again.

To look in your eyes

And live your dreams

Or to watch you sleep

Again.

I remember our late night talks

And your lips speaking everything pretty

I remember the way you hold my hand

While we walked all around the city

You were the Juliet of my story

But I didn’t knew the Romeo’s way

So I walked away

Knowing you wanted me to stay.

I cannot bring those moments back again

It won’t be same, because it’s not the same

And all these years

I’ve lived with regret

What if I had stayed with you?

What if I never feared the fate?

What if I had never let you down?

What if, now it’s too late?

 

The girl from the foreign language class

“Akash, 46 marks.”

Mr. Nazi, my German professor, which is not his real name, screamed at full of his potential. Usually he is barely audible but this time, call it my fortune or my misfortune he was loud enough to draw everyone’s eyes on me. Bishwa who was proudly seated on one of the last benches threw me an air punch and gave me I-am-going-to-kill-you look as if I’ve betrayed him or have done something equally hazardous. Well actually I did nothing wrong but I’ve wronged him because it is one of the most sacred and unsaid rule of brotherhood that either we clear an exam together or we must fail together and this time I passed and he didn’t. In fact I got 46 out of 50 which was nowhere near flunking line, I was second from the top and the moment I will walk out of this class I am a dead man.

I don’t know whether to be happy or to be sad about it. There she is, on her favourite front row seat and I am continuously staring at her and this girl she hasn’t looked back at me for once. I have never seen her doing anything but maintaining balance between words written on board and her notebook, adjusting her non stylish geeky glasses on her perfectly shaped nose hiding her amazing eyes behind them. For refreshments she will look down for her carry bag to bring out a beautiful metallic water-bottle and will drink from it, all this time as she is having a blue Reynolds’s pen in her right hand, she dry her lips with her left palm and you can witness this process on loop in every German class, unfortunately two per week.

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It has been almost two month since I have seen her for the first time. I am not usually a class going type boy but when I go I try to win a last bench province and make my establishment there and settle myself in the best possible hiding area available which henceforth lowers the risk of me getting caught by professor and be thrown out of the lecture hall. This very day for the first time I couldn’t secure the last bench and was forced to sit in the third row from the front. It was disastrous; everything was so strange for me and was creating negativity in my personal atmosphere. I can smell typical classmate notebooks scribbled with ink and graphite around me. Everyone there was sitting like a hunter preying on every single word uttered from my not so Jew not so Hitler short sweet insanely patience professor and on other hand I had no clue what was going on at all.

I looked here and there only to realise that I know none of these smart studious undergraduate human beings craving for good score. I looked back at my friends, the real masterminds behind this evil master plan, who were waiting for me to turn just to make fun of me. Within span of next few microsecond I realised that instead of looking anywhere it will be better if I study the configuration of my shoe laces, so I looked down and while I was busy wondering types of different isomers which can be formed I heard a voice. This voice was enchanting enough to draw attention of every single cell in my body and without referring to my any of the previous physics and biology related knowledge I was able to identify that the person speaking is a girl probably seated somewhere in the front row and she have a doubt.

I looked above and it was not hard to locate her, I couldn’t understand anything she said, obviously she was speaking in German, and everything she said was beautiful and when she stopped I was like come on girl you need to ask few more doubts somebody here is trying to focus on you. I found a reason to stay awake in the class. I looked at her again; the angle from here was perfect. I could see her even without moving my stuffs. Although her dark dense short black curly hairs weren’t allowing me to get a clear look but it was enough I was already in love with her.

When it comes to approach a girl, I lack an enormous amount of courage which is the reason I couldn’t get to talk her in these past two months. All I have done is to sit somewhere near her from where I can see her and I wait for her to nod or shake her head in disagreement which make her face somewhat more clearly visible. As far as my imaginative powers can imagine it is reasonable that she might have caught me stalking her. For me it was easier to learn German to understand what she speaks than to ask her out or just to have a conversation in any common tongue and I did selected first option.

If you ask me I don’t even know her name and I didn’t asked my friends to gather every possible information about her but what I am confirm about is that I can recognise her voice even while I am sleeping, I can find her walking among millions of faces. Well today’s lecture is finished and now she will walk out of that door in sixteen steps, yes I counted them too and I will have to wait for next three days to see her again and its better if I turn my sleeping mode on before my friends get hold of me.

“Akash??”

Did she just called me or it’s just in my head? What if she is really standing right here at this moment and I am keeping my head down thinking it’s all in my mind. Should I look above for once just to confirm her presence? What if after seeing her in real, just few inches away from me, facing me or in other words looking at me changes my normal heartbeats to something else and eventually I will end up doing something more stupid than what I usually do. I need courage and I need support of my every alive cell, no matter of which categories they are, to provide me strength enough to say her hello.

I got up.

I look her straight in the eyes and wave my hand in gesture of saying hello. She smiled and I am in love with her smile.

“Hi, I am Maanvi.”

“I am Akash.”

And I am in love with you.

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