Always . Always ?

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 I kissed him. It was not forced or happened just by chance. I did it because I wanted it. I wanted him to kiss me. I looked in his eyes; they are glowing with sordid lust. He looked at me the way I wanted him to, neither as a lover nor with respect but like a slave, with flaming eyes of a hound loathing for every piece of flesh on my body. I don’t know exactly what I am doing or why I am doing whatever I am doing all I know is that I want this.

I am not like this, I was never like this.

I love to be loved and admired.

Although born in an upper middle class not so typical family, being only daughter and favourite of my father was something that never allowed anything to come between fulfilment of my desires, whether it was a demand of a Barbie doll with silver hairs from little me or demand for a designer dress for my fresher’s party. They all were fulfilled. I always get what I need and right now I want him. I want him all over me.

“Your phone is buzzing,” he said.

Let it be. I don’t want to answer anyone.

“Just check it for once. It can be from someone in your family or might be from our college.”

What is this guy? Why he is insisting on picking a phone call, why he is thinking too much? Nothing can be that much important in my life that it can’t be kept on hold for five more minutes. Isn’t it rude that you stop kissing a girl just to say that you need to pick up your phone or he is indirectly implementing that I am a bad kisser? Whatever, this guy has just now ruined his image in my eyes. If you are cute then stay cute and don’t say anything that depicts your low understanding level and brand you as an idiot in my mind.

My phone started to vibrate again. I looked at him and found him looking at me with an expression of receiving your damn phone. I grabbed it and walked out in balcony slamming the door behind me, ensuring that he understands the reason I did this.

I looked at the screen.

It was flashing Luv calling.

I wasn’t surprised but my heart beats rose. I was numb, standing still. What happens when you are at gunpoint? You know your end is right in front of you and there is least probability of you getting out of this mess unscratched but still, you try. You try to save yourself and sometimes while in order to save yourself you run straight towards the hunter trying to hunt you down and sometimes you manage to surpass the destined end leaving behind list collateral damages to maintain.

I looked around. It was late in the evening and the sun was trying to hide behind the trees increasing darkness on the other side of the valley. I was still staring at my vibrating phone and all I have to do is to slide and I will emerge victorious in this death-defying act of receiving a phone call.

I couldn’t.

Why am I doing this?

It has been more than three years since we are in a relationship. We (means me and Luv and not that cute but not smart, idiot guy waiting for me inside) celebrated our epic love during our school and left everyone else jealous of us. Every single friend of mine was having a crush on him and rest, although never admitted I know they too secretly desired him.

And he was mine.

One text message received.

“I was just checking on you. Was having a strange feeling about you. Call me back when you’re free.

Missing you.

Love you, always.”

The text almost broke me into tears. I can feel warm fluid coming out from my eyes distorting the Kohl.

He loves me.

He is mine. But am I? I love him, but if I love him what am I doing here. Any of my thousands of logics couldn’t satisfy me.


Sun is finally swallowed by the large stretch of evergreen coniferous deodar trees. Valley is now turned into the sea of stars. It is cold out here yet the absence of wind is making this cold bearable. Should I go back inside or call back or text back to my epic love who is sitting thousands of miles away from me in some seaside college studying some stupid concept of Engineering? I can call him back and say that I am working on some assignment or just studying and he will believe it.

He always believes in whatever I say.

He is perfect.

How can he be so perfect and be in love with me? Is the love that blind? I always feared that after going to college he will change. Some random girl will overthrow me from his heart and this geographical distance between us will create a psychological distance between our hearts.

But it never happened.

He still loves me, more than he used to. He cares for me, respect me and my decisions. He waits for my calls, my texts and makes plans for our vacations together. He has a hectic academic schedule like every other engineering student but I am always top on his priority list. He loves me.

But is love enough?

Are only phonic conversations enough?

I miss him. I miss those initial hesitations of our fingers before he holds my hand. I miss him playing with my hairs, teasing me, mimicking my laugh. I miss hiding in his chest, leaning on his shoulder. I miss him when I stand in front of the mirror, at that moment I need him here telling me how am I looking, but he is somewhere far-far away from me, pondering in the concept of aerodynamics. I miss him almost every second of my life.

I am still holding my phone with his last text opened on-screen. What was I thinking when I agreed to this guy, who does not even bother to check on me sitting just behind a closed-door.

What am I doing?

I am cheating on Luv? Or I am cheating with myself?

There are people in my life who constantly inform me as if it’s their legal duty, that you are changing. Some even confirmed the fact that I have changed a lot. Hell yes, I have changed. I remember everything was fine last year, I was happy and so was everyone around me. We both were in same schools enjoying our romantic life to its extent. We had everything planned although we were not from the same streams we can stay in the same city while studying in different colleges. From the name of our colleges to the society we were going to live was perfectly planned but never ever everything goes as we plan. He got selected for the college he decided but I couldn’t. This was my fault which left him with two choices; either he lives with me here and studies something he is not interested in or joins this college and stay away from me.

He selected option one for me.

But I forced him to take option second.

I forced him to go thousands of miles away from me. Yes, I’ve changed. I haven’t seen him in past eleven months and it’s killing me. His virtual existence around me through social media and phone is not enough for me. I need him with me, always.

When he is not around me, I am afraid of what of what I will become. Hell!! What I was thinking when I kissed this guy. What I was thinking, that once Luv will know that I am screwing around when he is not with me, will make him leave everything and come to me and stay by my side? How stupid I am, what if instead of leaving everything else, he leaves me?

Why on earth this thought never occurred to me when I was planning this. Nidhi, my best friend, warned me about this but I was so determined to have him back here that I was willing to go to any extent, to cross every limit for him. What if my stupid plan of bringing him near to me by making him jealous and insecure drives him away from me? I can’t survive without him. My existence depends upon his presence in my life.

I can feel my heart trying to break my ribcage.

I started typing. – don’t worry. I am okay. Just busy with some college stuff. Will call you in morning. good night. I love you, always – and pressed the send button.

One text message received.

It was from Nidhi – “work done. Delivered your message.”

Before I could respond to the situation my phone vibrated again indicating another message has been received. It is from Luv.

“Received text from Nidhi. I don’t understand what’s going on. Just tell me that everything she told me is lie and make me believe your words because I want to believe them. Rohini do you still love me, like you said, always?”

read the second chapter of story here Judgement and third here Snowfall .


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