Judgement

Do you ever feel that everything around you is falling apart and your world is on fire? Have you ever felt that everything you thought is true was just an insensitive lie coming out of a body with a dead soul? Guess what! I’m feeling exactly same now, it’s like that there are pounds of weight forcefully kept on my chest and someone is hitting with a hammer on it. I can hear my ribs cracking and I feel them finding their way inside my heart choking every little piece of humanity in me. “Life is the best teacher”, I don’t know who said this but what I know for sure is that life is the highest paid tutor; not in cash though.

“Mr Dreamer!!”

I ignored that deafening voice because right now I am feeling very philosophical; I can hear the cries of baby Aristotle cells in my brain. All I want right now is to go back in time and relive those three years when everything was perfect and life was easy, but I can’t for obvious. Have you ever thought while you are waiting for the judgement day that this life might be your punishment and everything happening to you here is just another way of Lord to penalize you? Well, everything happened in these past eight months made me believe so.

“Get out!!”

Mr Anand screamed at me or I should say Professor Doctor Anand shouted at me. I just can’t believe this guy means what is his problem? Why don’t people understand that continuously shouting at someone might not give them Laryngeal cancer but it can definitely affect someone’s hearing skills? Since I was already standing I asked him by pointing a figure towards myself that do you really want –me- to go out. He nodded in affirmation and I was kicked out from another class.

Sometimes I couldn’t understand what’s wrong with me; I shouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling right now. I take no pride in it but why don’t I feel slightest bit shame when I am insulted in front of the whole class and thrown out? Why songs make no sense to me and why I have formed a new alliance with poetry? Why laughing face looks so fake now and happiness feels so deceiving? I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to feel helpless whenever I see her pictures popping on my timeline, I don’t want to feel this sudden rush of tears in my eyes when someone asks about her. I don’t want to feel anything; I just want my previous self back in command of my body.

o-WALKING-ALONE-CORRIDOR-facebook.jpg

I was walking down the empty corridor and I was in love with its emptiness. I kept asking myself since that day-where it all went wrong? When I first saw her or when I realized that I was in love or when we celebrated our love anniversaries or when I came to this college leaving her behind? Doesn’t matter where it went wrong because it’s not going to be right again, I didn’t believe when I heard something about her by someone else but that silence across the other side of the phone, when asked her about it, confessed a lot.

“I didn’t want to hurt you” those words are still ringing in my ears and all they did was hurt me. How can someone be so heartless? How can someone be so cruel to bring happiness in someone’s life only to drain it out in forms of tears? Months have passed but still, I couldn’t get over that night, the night when her lies eclipsed my innocence and choked it to death. I am sinking in my academics, I am doing been terrible in my social life and the fault is mine because I bought this for myself the day I started to listen what my heart wants.

She used to say that I will always love you, I guess “always” has an expiration date too or maybe she “always” met with an accident and was replaced with another always. I looked at my phone; her picture was still at wallpaper smiling back at me. Does she also think about me the way I do or it’s just me? It’s still hard for me to believe that she lied to me all that time and made me trust her opportunistic promises and fake love. I searched her in my contact list and pressed the call button, I wanted to know why she did this to me? What did I do to deserve this?

As soon as I pressed the call button the truce between my heart and mind dissolved as my mind exploded the question which has destruction power equal to an atom bomb, “what if?” and following that came after explosion shock waves screaming-What if she rejects your phone? What if she hung up on you as soon as you ask these questions? What if you are still in love with her? This last question destroyed my defence line completely and I surrendered by disconnecting the call.

I miss her, I miss her badly, I miss waking up to those little good morning texts, I miss those virtual good night kisses, I miss her laughter, her anger, her craziness, I miss her but I couldn’t tell her how much I miss her.

“Say something I’m giving up on you”

This is phone telling me to pick it up. It was an unknown number flashing on-screen. I clicked on the green button and said hello.

“Luv?”

“Rohini!” as these words left my lips I froze, I ran out of words. I already had plan layout for this conversation and I have rehearsed it thousands of time in mind but all I couldn’t say anything. We both were silently waiting for the other person to initiate.

“Why?” I broke the silence, “You have already killed my soul so, what do you want now?”

“LUV I AM SORRY” I heard her voice cracking, “What I did was wrong, I still love you and I have always loved you, please give me one more chance”

I love this girl, I have always loved her and all my life I have never loved someone else. My heart and my mind are still fighting over what is the best response to this condition. My heart says that you have always loved her but my mind questions me that can you trust her anymore.

4396802_orig.jpg

 

if you to read the previous chapter click here Always . Always ? .

catch the next chapter of the story here Snowfall .

Butterfly

“She was in her twenty-first summer and yet when you see her you can’t guess her real age. She looks older than her age.” He whispered in his microphone. “Well”. He paused for a while adjusting his round framed spectacles over his nose, “I’ve seen her pictures from when she was bit younger, her eyes haven’t changed. Same charming dark black eyes watching right through you, the only thing that has changed is that now I can see crimson red shades in them with dark circles surrounding them. Her beautiful long black hairs are now somehow tied on her head and have become a liability to her. Today I am going to meet her again; this will be our fourth meeting in this month. I wish my help is helpful enough for her”, he spoke each and every word with definite pause with deep and mature voice.

He stopped the recording and kept the microphone in the top left drawer of his desk. He looked on the table for his keys, he couldn’t find it. He looked at his watch; he was already running late for the meeting. “ROSY!!” he shouted for his assistant “Where are my keys?”

“You stopped taking cases right? I don’t know why you are so driven for this case.”

“Keys!”

“It should be in the right pocket of your trouser doctor,” Rosy replied from the distance while arranging the files on her desk.

“Got them, and I’m leaving.”

fashion-man-person-hand.jpg

His hands on the wheels, he was speedily moving on the ring road; it was a cloudy day so he wants to reach his destination before its starts raining. Constantly looking at his watch and playing with those breaks, gears and accelerator it almost took an hour to reach there. It was a small house standing alone in that stretch, there was a small garden which clearly depicts that owner of the house wasn’t interested in gardening anymore. Dried flowers, fallen leaves and brown grasses were creating a depressing atmosphere; he parked his black Toyota in front of the main entrance.

He walked out of his car dressed in perfectly white shirt matched with a deep black trouser; he looked at his watch and pressed the door bell.

“Doctor Paras you again” she mocked him while opening the door. He noticed her eyes were heavy and her face looked so dull yet she was putting an effort to give him her million dollars welcoming smile. She was trying hard to look cheerful.  “Why an old man like you never stops and just keeps appearing on my porch?”

“Well, that makes me persistent.”

“And these nurses you have left behind, when are they going to leave me alone?”

“Can’t say right now Maya, they are doing their job nothing else.”

Their meeting started, as usual, Maya trying to convince him that she should be left alone and Paras trying her that it will be done but not today. Her house was not so big and fascinating but enough for few people to cover their heads during the night. The front room was oddly empty with few chairs and a table fan in it, which just keeps adding unnecessary metallic sound in their conversation.

“How are you feeling Maya?”

“You tell me doc, how are you? I heard your wife passed away last week” replied Maya. She has never really opened up to anyone, for every question she always has a ready-to-shoot-at-your-face answer.

“I guess I am doing just fine and by the way it looks I think you are also doing fine.” Paras responded in very coldly, he has been practising this for almost thirty years and never ever someone got a chance to mess with his head. He was in his fifties and his hairs had changed their colour from brown to grey, he was getting old and he knew that but living rest of his life alone was never in his plan.

“Sorry,” she said, “didn’t mean to hurt you”.

“That’s okay, I should get used to it now.” Paras smiled.

“What was her name? Did you loved her?” Suddenly her sad face started to glow with excitement.

“Vaani, her name was Vaani and yes I loved her. And I love her even today.” He looked at his engagement ring and kissed it. “I have heard some stories about you too.” Paras shifted a bit towards her; came to the edge of the chair he was sitting and with no emotion in his eyes, he said “Stories about you and a boy that you loved” he made it sound soft as much as he could.

Maya closed her eyes and crashed herself into the depth of her chair. Her hands were firmly holding the hands of the chair. Paras stood up and placed his hands on hers, “It’s alright Maya, you can talk to me.”

butterfly-wallpaper-09-375x300.jpg

“He loved writing poems,” she said without even opening her eyes “I have all of them with me here, his letters, his poems and some of his pictures. You’ve never met him but I’m sure that you would have liked him. He was perfect, perfect for me. In one of his poems, he wrote that I walk like butterflies swim in the air. You know what an irony in that doctor?” she suddenly opened her eyes; tears were crawling down her cheek, she looked towards Paras and said, “Let me tell you, they evolve but I don’t.”

Paras took her hand in his, trying to calm her down, he saw cut marks all over her wrist “ How did you both meet?” He was coming back in his professional touch back again; he knew this was the point where if he stops maybe he could never get another chance of listening to Maya. So he continued, “How you both did meet?”

“I can’t remember. I was too small to remember when we met but from what I recall he was always there in my life. I remember when he sang that happy birthday song to me on my seventh birthday, he was terrible” she smiled, tears were still flowing from her deep eyes “I loved his voice, I loved to play with his curly hairs, I loved to sleep in his arms while he read for me, I loved the way he looked at me.” She stopped; her body was still facing upwards and her eyes were moving very fast as if she was trying to read something written on the walls.

“So you both were childhood friends, where did you live at that time?” Paras again asked softly, he didn’t want this conversation to end without any positive outcome.

“Last year he proposed me for marrying and obviously I said yes. I was waiting for that moment since I don’t know when. This home in which you are sitting now was bought by his money. He brought me here and asked” her voice was cracking, Kohl from her eyes was now spread all over her cheek, she somehow gathered herself together and whispered “He handed the keys to the house to me and asked will you marry me. You know that Teresa orphanage, all our life we have lived there.” She looked at his portrait hanging on the wall and took a deep breath, “He used to say that we will meet our parents again in the afterlife. Do you believe in afterlife doctor?”

Paras was so involved in her story that at first, he didn’t realise that she had asked him something, “Yes, I do believe” he replied as soon as he was back in senses. “Why did you ask such question, Maya?”

“So that you can see reasons for my actions, I am not a mad person doctor. I just prefer being with him in the afterlife than living here, alone.”

“Maya listen, what happened to him was tragic but believe me he would have never wanted this kind of life for you” before Paras could say any other word Maya stood up from her chair.

“He loved butterflies, when we were small we used to run behind them in our orphanage. He once said that my laughter gives colours to their wings and my laugh brings them back home. Later only I realised that even my tears were not able to bring him back. We had our whole life planned in front of us, but” she wiped her tears from the curtain.

“Look it’s raining out there doctor.”

“Indeed.”

7393B524-EB8C-45C4-AC4D-2ABC525D5D18_cx0_cy10_cw0_mw1024_s_n_r1

“A bullet from some person decided our fate, this not fair.” She looked outside; the street was calm but peace of heart was already disturbed. There were some deep emotions hidden inside heart which started to cloud her mind. Constantly watching rain drops hitting her window pane she said, “I couldn’t sleep at night. It was hard for me, him not being here. Of course, he was doing his job, while everyone was sleeping peacefully in their houses he was patrolling our national border, just one bullet on his head and everything change. He was no high ranked commander or some famous rich guy with flashy watches and expensive cars; he was just a soldier, a soldier protecting his loved ones from unknown enemies and unseen dangers. The saddest thing about this is that no one will ever notice his death because he was just another soldier to them who was living on taxes they paid but”, she was sad? No more, but angry? Yes, she was. She was in pain and every word coming out from her was dipped in it with a topping of anger on it, she looked back at Paras and said: “but for me he was everything.”

She opened the door, it was still raining outside and she walked right into the rain. Paras immediately got up from his chair and reached out for the door, “Common Maya come in, you may get cold.” He ordered. Maya ignored every word came from his mouth and opened her arms wider allowing rain to fall on her face. Paras started to search for the umbrella, he couldn’t find one, he just stepped out of the house and caught Maya by her hand and screamed, “Don’t act like a child Maya.”

“You don’t get to order me.”

“I’m trying to save your life.”

“I don’t want to be saved.”

“At least think about the child you are carrying in your womb, his last gift to you.”

“What does anything means when he himself is not here.”

“Don’t talk stupid.”

“What do you know about losing someone? You don’t know anything. It was me waiting for his letters every month from those borders. It was me who prayed for his safety while you were having dinners. It never asked for any of these wars, this political usability and permanent state of tension between nations. I never asked for any of these territories, I just wanted him and you all took him away from me. You hear soldiers dying and you keep silence for two minutes and get over with but no one never even thought of what must be going on the families and loved ones of those soldiers. We don’t even know where they are and what they are doing, we just keep praying for them; sometimes we don’t even get to see their bodies. I never saw his body. What do you know about me? What did you know about him? What did you know about such an unnatural and permanent loss?”

She was still standing in the rain, full of rage, anger and remorse. She grabbed his hands and started to walk back inside the house, “Come on, let us go inside. Let’s save lives as legendary Doctor Paras does, right doctor.” She was angry, angry almost with everyone. Her mind was clouded with hatred and anger, sentences were spoken out of her mouth even before she could realise. Paras was lifelessly walking with her. All of sudden his feet stopped to move and Maya looked back at him “What happened? Now you don’t want to save lives?”

“It is true that I don’t knowing anything about you or about Maanav” H readjusted his wet tie and looked at his watch and continued, “but if it brings any good in your life then let me tell you one more thing, I had a son and five months ago he died in the same war in which Maanav died.”

He started to walk again, “Come in now, it’s raining heavily. It might be dangerous for your son.”