Do you ever feel that everything around you is falling apart and your world is on fire? Have you ever felt that everything you thought is true was just an insensitive lie coming out of a body with dead soul? Guess what! I’m feeling exactly same now, it’s like that there is pounds of weight forcefully kept on my chest and someone is hitting with hammer on it. I can hear my ribs cracking and I feel them finding their way inside my heart choking every little pieces of humanity in me. “Life is best teacher”, I don’t know who said this but what I know for sure is that life is highest paid tutor; not in cash though.
I ignored that deafening voice because right now I am feeling very philosophical; I can hear the cries of baby Aristotle cells in my brain. All I want right now is to go back in time and relive those three years, when everything was perfect and life was easy, but I can’t for obvious. Have you ever thought while you are waiting for the judgement day that this life might be your punishment and everything happening to you here is just another way of Lord to penalize you. Well, everything happened in these past eight month made me believe so.
Mr. Anand screamed at me or I should say Professor Doctor Anand shouted at me. I just can’t believe this guy means what is his problem? Why don’t people understand that continuously shouting at someone might not give them Laryngeal cancer but it can definitely affect someone’s hearing skills. Since I was already standing I asked him by pointing a figure towards myself that do you really want –me- to go out. He nodded in affirmation and I was kicked out from another class.
Sometime I couldn’t understand what’s wrong with me; I shouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling right now. I take no pride in it but why don’t I feel slightest bit shame when I am insulted in front of whole class and thrown out? Why songs make no sense to me and why I have formed a new alliance with poetry? Why laughing face looks so fake now and happiness feels so deceiving? I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to feel helpless whenever I see her pictures popping on my timeline, I don’t want to feel this sudden rush of tears in my eyes when someone ask about her. I don’t want to feel anything; I just want my previous self back in command of my body.
I was walking in the empty corridor and I was in love with its emptiness. I kept asking myself since that day-where it all went wrong? When I first saw her or when I realized that I was in love or when we celebrated our love anniversaries or when I came to this college leaving her behind? Doesn’t matter where it went wrong because it’s not going to be right again, I didn’t believe when I heard something about her by someone else but that silence across the other side of phone, when asked her about it, confessed a lot.
“I didn’t want to hurt you” those words are still ringing in my ears and all they did was hurt me. How can someone be so heartless? How can someone be so cruel to bring happiness in someone’s life only to drain it out in forms of tears? Months have passed but still I couldn’t get over that night, the night when her lies eclipsed my innocence and choked it to death. I am sinking in my academics, I am doing been terrible in my social life and the fault is mine because I bought this for myself the day I started to listen what my heart want.
She used to say that I will always love you, I guess “always” has an expiration date too or maybe her “always” met with an accident and was replaced with another always. I looked at my phone; her picture was still at wallpaper smiling back at me. Does she also think about me the way I do or it’s just me? It’s still hard for me to believe that she lied to me all that time and made me trust her opportunistic promises and fake love. I searched her in my contact list and pressed the call button, I wanted to know why she did this to me? What did I do to deserve this?
As soon as I pressed the call button the truce between my heart and mind dissolved as my mind exploded the question which has destruction power equal to an atom bomb, “what if?” and following that came after explosion shock waves screaming-What if she rejects your phone? What if she hung up on you as soon as you ask these questions? What if you are still in love with her? This last question destroyed my defence line completely and I surrendered by disconnecting the call.
I miss her, I miss her badly, I miss waking up to those little good morning texts, I miss those virtual good night kisses, I miss her laughter, her anger, her craziness, I miss her but I couldn’t tell her how much I miss her.
“Say something I’m giving up on you”
This is phone telling me to pick it up. It was an unknown number flashing on-screen. I clicked on the green button and said hello.
“Rohini!” as these words left me lips I froze, I ran out of words. I already had plan layout for this conversation and I have rehearsed it thousands of time in mind but all I couldn’t say anything. We both were silently waiting for the other person to initiate.
“Why?” I broke the silence, “You have already killed my soul so, what do you want now?”
“LUV I AM SORRY” I heard her voice cracking, “What I did was wrong, I still love you and I have always loved you, please give me one more chance”
I love this girl, I have always loved her and all my life I have never loved someone else. My heart and my mind are still fighting over what is the best response in this condition. My heart says that you have always loved her but my mind questions me that can you trust her anymore.
if you to read the previous chapter click here Always . Always ? .
catch the next chapter of the story here Snowfall .